An Author’s Guide to Writing Demisexual Youth

Guest Post by TheTechChef

Disclaimer: Everyone’s experience is different. This information is based on my personal experience and generalities from information available on Demisexual websites.

A very personal review of Loveless by Alice Oseman!

What does it mean to be Demisexual?

Demisexuality is a sexual orientation in which someone feels sexual attraction only to people with whom they have an emotional bond. Most demisexuals feel sexual attraction rarely compared to the general population, and some have little to no interest in sexual activity.

Demisexuality is becoming more popular among the general public due to recent usage of the term. However, many people are still not familiar with the term.

My Experience

I hadn’t even heard about Demisexual until a couple of years ago and when I did it was like everything clicked. Suddenly things came into focus for me:

• The reason for so much confusion as a teen.
• The reason I was teased so much as a teen.
• It’s why I feel so uncomfortable with sex and nudity in media.
• And why I never cared about sex until I was engaged to my husband.

Demisexual isn’t widely portrayed in the media. And so, seeing sexuality portrayed as basically “two people always wanting to have sex with each other” but never feeling that way is strange. I also have an aversion to nudity in media. Like I am not interested in hearing about other people having sex. I’m not interested in seeing anyone else naked. It’s not being prudish. I just don’t feel interested. All of that stuff is private to me, so I don’t need to share it.

Demisexuality in books

As a book reviewer, I would mention again and again removing a star for graphic sex. Also, I don’t like reading romance novels and would often pass them up. For the longest time, I didn’t realize this was because I’m demi.

I was a teen during the “True Love Waits” and “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” movements. Demi’s and Asexuals would seem to fit the Christian ideal of no sexual intimacy until marriage and then only with your partner or no sexual intimacy at all.

However, the experience of growing up in church and youth groups only adds to the confusion. One would think that it would conform to the ideal held up in scripture. On the other hand, my youth leaders are constantly preaching about controlling urges that I didn’t have. There’s lots of talk about abstinence as if it’s difficult to obtain. As if sexual temptation might overtake you unless you are continuously vigilant.

Having no interest in sex and not feeling the same urges left me feeling lonely and alone, even in the youth group. I don’t want today’s kids to feel like I felt, and I want to see better representation of demisexuality in the media. This is why I decided to put together this guide to writing demisexual youth.

My Guide to Writing Demisexual Youth

Here are some things (in my opinion) authors should keep in mind when writing demisexual characters:

• Being demisexual often means you don’t feel the same sexual attraction/ urges your peers do,
• It can be very confusing to be demisexual at first,
• It can be lonely and isolating,
• You often feel like an outsider, or that there’s “something wrong” with you,
• You often make good friends with the opposite gender because you don’t have to worry about sexual attraction,
• If your book is set before about 2015 the term demisexual isn’t widely used,
• You may have an aversion to nudity as well as sex, but this differs from person to person,
• You will probably not have many sexual partners, but once again, being demisexual is a spectrum and not all of us are the same.

If you are writing a demisexual character please keep the above in mind. I’d love to see demisexuality better represented in the media and I hope you found this helpful.

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